One random afternoon, while Reading Love, I discovered within the text that same phrase: You are beautiful that he mentioned that first night we spent together, when I asked him to tell me something in Chinese. Not only the phrase –You are beautiful– itself was curious, but also the resemblance with the character from the novel to the Chinese in question. I’m not here to deduce what this means or doesn’t. Anyone that has followed this story from up close will understand why this text caught my attention:
Leo had sent Xeno to ask MiMi to give him another chance.
‘I’ll mess it up if I see her. You explain’
‘What do you want me to say?’
‘I don’t know! The long form of “I love you”.
Leo gave Xeno a piece of paper in his bad handwriting. ‘This is the long form’.
Xeno looked at it. He nearly laughed, but his friend was so hangdog and anxious that he just nodded while he was reading.
‘I’ve been working on it’, said Leo.
Can I live without you? Yes
Do I want to? No.
Do I think about you often? Yes.
Do I miss you? Yes.
Do I think about you when Ian with another woman? Yes.
Do I think that you are different to other women? Yes.
Do I think that I am a different to other men? No.
Is it about sex? Yes.
Is it only about sex? No.
Have I felt like this before? Yes and No.
Have I felt like this since you? No.
Why do I want to marry you? I hate the idea of you marrying someone else.
I read these lines from Jeanette Winterson -who’s as English as the character in question: the Chinese- and think: is that his way of telling me he loves me?
In love we are usually re-offenders, and this might be the reason why he comes back to me (in thoughts as well as out of them). Shortly after finishing the book I get a slight sensation that he’s going to write to me during the holidays. I’m curious and I end up in my email. Just of crap. Why am I even checking my email if I deleted the app from my phone? This is not right. Goddam love. Make it move to some other man please, I’ve had enough of this one. Fuck you and your love you’s, your China, your bitcoins, your ego, your subversive messages, your run-arounds and insecurities, your cowardness towards love, your shorts and ‘let’s be friends’ crap. Love requires courage. I want nothing to do with cowards. I’ve met them, I’ve given them an opportunity. Now, new year, new page.
On New Year I receive a Whatsapp from a close friend: check your email. I have two personal accounts. The official and the old one, for ads and ex. I check the first one, nothing there, hmm odd. Maybe she sent it to my old email? I check the second account and there it is, my friend’s email with a gift for me, sitting next to an email from him (30/12) saying he’s been trying to contact me several times unsuccessfully. He’s unsure if I’ve changed my number or if it’s that I don’t want to know about him. That he’ll be around Madrid and would like to see me.
Really? What the fuck do you want? Start new year with me? Ended it with me? You just want to be at two places at once. No. Why don’t you just disappear from my life, go to China or Tahiti and make a life of your own, because I have future plans, they are wonderful and they don’t include you.