Lying in bed, looking at me straight in the eyes, he said: I love you.
I was shocked. I can’t even imagine what my panicked face must have looked like. He waited for my answer … which never came. After a while he pronounced those same words. I looked down and drowned my face into his chest to avoid his eyes. Look at me, he said, taking my chin into his hand, forcing me to face him. Our eyes locked. I know you also love me, otherwise I wouldn’t have this feeling within me. Why don’t you tell me you love me? I don’t know. He kissed me. It’s ok. The time will come for you to feel comfortable, he said while caressing my face. I love you, know it.
That love that I refused at the beginning later came so strongly and suddenly that it was impossible to avoid. I could feel it opening my chest from side to side, sinking its nails in my heart, applying all its strength to split my vital organs in two, but, instead of bleed, it would fill me up with light and make me radiate with love. This man, he was sure that it lived within me.
I like you, I said some days later. No. You don’t like me, you love me. I kept silent. Why is it so hard for you to admit it? My mind clouded over and my eyes filled with water. I don’t know, I said with tears falling down my face. I’m scared. I know, he said while holding me tight against him. Those words didn’t make the situation any better, but it did make the conversation more honest, and brought us even closer together.
It took me several days to assimilate his ‘I love you‘ and all the feelings that it awoke within me.
A feeling of fullness invaded me, knowing that I had found someone capable of loving me, and shouting it out proudly to anyone and everyone, making it obvious that that same feeling dwelled within me and I was finally letting it out. But I also felt pursued by fear and vulnerability: by opening myself to love I was also leaving myself naked. Even more naked than this blog already leaves me.
Several days later I said: I love you. From then on, that love burst its banks, and started flowing like a river.
Y curé mis heridas (I healed my wounds)
y me encendí de amor ( I turned into love)
Y quemé las cortinas (I burnt down the curtains)
y me encendí de amor, de amor sagrado. (And turned into love, sacred love)
Y entonces rezo… (And so I pray)
Hablando a tu corazón . Charly García / Talking to your heart . Charly Garcia
The completely opposite happened with this man: Te dejo porque te amo.